Chrimbo 2014

Off topic chat about anything that doesn't fit anywhere else
Jacksparrow
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Chrimbo 2014

Post by Jacksparrow »

Although I am slightly inclined towards Baa Humbug I have nicked this little poem from another forum. Enjoy :)
PS there may be a few Americanisms and spellings but the sentiments the same.

A Politically Correct Christmas
~Anon


Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth."
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nuthatch
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by nuthatch »

:laugh: :clap: poor Santa :santa:
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Placido
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by Placido »

Well, now that we're all thoroughly depressed by the incisive truth of that whole thing .......

Break out the HB and let's have a paaaaaaaaaaarty :clap: :D :wave2:
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nuthatch
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by nuthatch »

:wave2: :yes: :rara: :blackbird: :goodevil: :flying: :tampoline: :christmas: :bird2: :banana: :munch: :dogrun: :dogrun: :drumroll: :pot:
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Placido
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by Placido »

YAAAAAY ! ! ! ! !
greenfinch2
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by greenfinch2 »

:santa: :christmas: :snowman: Best wishes everyone. :wave2:
Jacksparrow
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by Jacksparrow »

When four of Santa's little elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth
and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered all over the place.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a generous tot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the bristles off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little fairy with a great big Christmas tree.

The fairy said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little fairy on top of the Christmas tree.
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Kev
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by Kev »

I'm off on my usual Christmas travels from Oxford to Wales to Newcastle and back again starting tomorrow morning. Back on the 29th. I'll check in on the site once a day though to make sure all is ok.

Hope everyone has a nice time :)
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Placido
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by Placido »

Great joke, Cap'n :laugh: :clap:

:christmas: Kev, and a very :newyear: :)
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nuthatch
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Re: Chrimbo 2014

Post by nuthatch »

Joke ? I thought it was 'onest gospel truf :(

Thanks, Kev :sheep:

:snowman: :santa: MERRY CHRISTMAS KEV :santa: :snowman: :wave2:
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