Garden Wildlife UK

I was driving my hearse down the slow lane of the motorway yesterday.
I got done for undertaking.

My hallucinating isn't getting any better. I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird!
I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.

Are you always so stupid, or is today a special occasion?

Don't let your mind wander far. It's too little to be out alone.

Captain Hook was the first to sail around the world single handed.

Probably right.

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands. A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was. He said “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”. The fairy godmother said “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”. The bloke asked “How do I do that ?” The fairy godmother replied “Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”. The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere! He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on. He said “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!” The fairy godmother replied “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!”

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night I am now in hospital waiting to be seen…