Garden Wildlife UK

When people are sad, I let them colour in my tattoos.

Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

A woman decides she's going to try and scam a sick day off work. The guy she's working with says there's no way she can do that. Watch this, she says.
She hangs upside down from the office rafters and the boss comes in. Hey what are you doing up there?, he says.
I'm a lightbulb, she replies.
The boss says, mmm I think you're having some mental issues, you'd better take the day off and go and get some help.
OK, she says and starts to walk out. Her colleague walks out with her but the boss calls out, hey, where do you think you're going?

He replies,
Well I can't work in the dark can I

Wife, to husband: 'I've made the chicken soup.' Husband: 'Oh thank God! I thought that muck was for us.'

Did you hear about the two Mexican firefighting brothers. They were called Hose A and Hose B

Just for the record I’ve just bought a new turntable.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I applied for a bank loan to buy a new herd of cows but backed out when I realised I'd be paying for heifer and heifer.