Garden Wildlife UK

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."

I woke up this morning and could hear ' When will I see you again ' playing somewhere ........ then I realised that it was 3 degrees outside .....

A group of bikers see a girl about to jump from a bridge.
Their leader gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," He also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give me your last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, The biker leader gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

Bacon 'n' eggs walk into a bar.
"Sorry", says the barman, "we don't serve breakfast here".

Not a joke but this absolutely cracked me up today -

"...a face as long as a gas man's mac."

A couple who work at the traveling circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.
The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."

A new species of Corvid has been spotted.


https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hp ... e=57828A8C

An English tourist goes to an Irish race meeting and sees a Priest bless one of the horses. To the tourist's surprise, the horse wins, as do the next two horses the Priest blesses. He sees the Priest bless a fourth horse and put all his money on it. Unfortunately the starting pistol gives the horse a heart attack and it drops dead before it can move. Later the tourist tells the Priest about his disastrous bet and asked why his blessing didn't work on the fourth horse. 'Are you a Protestant?' asks the Priest. 'Yes, I am,' replies the touring. 'Well then,' say the Priest. 'You'll not be knowing the difference between a blessing and the last rites.'

A man who took an airline to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.