Garden Wildlife UK

A cat dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is on the door, checks the cat in his ledger and sees that this has been a good little cat all its life. "You have been a good little cat all your life", he says, "therefore you shall be rewarded with an extra little something to make your stay in heaven even better. What would you like?". The cat replies, "I have always been a poor little cat. I have only slept on cold stone floors and I should like a big plumpy cushion to lie on, please." The cat's wish is granted.

Later that day (Wednesdays are always busy), six dead mice arrive at the gate. St. Peter checks his ledger and sees that these have been good little mice all their lives. "You have been good little mice all your lives", he says, "therefore you shall be rewarded with an extra little something to make your stay in heaven even better. What would you like?". The mice reply, "We have been chased by cats all our lives. We should like roller skates to make our escape easier, please." The mice's wish is granted.

The next week St. Peter is strolling through heaven when he happens upon the cat upon the big plumpy cushion. "How are you enjoying your big plumpy cushion wot you were granted?" he asks. "Oh St. Peter", cries the cat, "it is wonderful and the meals-on-wheels are simply the best."

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying
let's remove all the warning labels from stuff we buy and let the problem work itself
out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way
much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they
are holding a gun, she's probably pissed off.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it
the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for
murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the
privilege.

Very good Greg. No. 9 is my favourite.

[Restaurant]
"Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?"
Yes please


"THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN"

'Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!'
'That's not a fly, that's a vitamin bee.'

'Waiter, this plate is wet.' 'No, that's your soup.'

Its the way I tell em.

Two 90 year old men, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day. One day Dai says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Emrys looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Emrys passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Dai is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Dai--Dai.'

'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'

'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'

'Emrys! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.

The good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.

Chap not feeling too good so goes to doctor. Doc does blood tests and thingies and paitent returns some days later for results.
"Bad news, I'm afraid", says doc. "You have AIDS and Alzheimer's".
Patient replies, "Oh well, could have been worse, could have been AIDS."