Garden Wildlife UK

Two Scotsmen were on a riotous holiday in Italy: they looked for streetwalkers in Venice but couldn't find any so they ended up in Rome. They went into a posh bar and one of them asked the barman: "Seeyoojimmy, gies twa pints o' Tarrtan wie a coupla wee heavy dumps, havers an' awa'."
The indigenous helpful but somewhat mystified barman replied thus: "Eye amma Luigi. We no' sella de Tarrtan pints an' de wee heavy dumpsa gotta me beat, signor."
The Scotsman figured this out and paused for thought ......... "Seeyoujimmy, Luigi pal, see 'n' tell us whit does the Pope drink on hiss nichts oot, jings ?".
Luigi grasps the question and answers: "Il Papa he drinka da vairry small creme de menthe ona de high days an' de 'olidays, jimmy."
"Richto, innit", exclaims Wee Eck (for it is he), "See 'n' gies a coupla pints o' this creem dee menthy, Luigi pal."
Luigi pal obliges and the party begins ....... (nuff said ).
Next morning, or possibly the one after, Wee Eck disengages himself from the chandelier, locates his mucka and they both hold their bursting heads.
"Weell, Eck", slurs the nameless mucka, "At least noo we ken why yon Pope is a'wys kerried aroon' in a chairr !!".

"Richto, innit" ...

I sent some info on my Family Tree to those "Ancestry" people. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested I start again .......

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno

I have a little Sat Nav, It sits there in my car
A Sat Nav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Sat Nav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones: my Sat Nav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, ensures I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

That's a cracker Greg. Nice smile to start the day with.

Harry keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie

I always take the wife to the finest restaurants; one day I might let her inside one

Mick goes to visit Paddy who lives way out in the country. After Mick gets settled in nice and cosy, Paddy says he has to see to the animals so will Mick nip down to the farm shop and get a carton of milk and if they have any eggs, get six, and then they'll have a nice tea.
So off Mick goes to the farm shop and after a bit of craic back he comes with 6 cartons of milk.
Paddy asks him why he bought 6 cartons of milk and Mick replies, "Because they had eggs".

The teacher asks Wee Johnny why he wasn't at school the previous day. ' Our cow was on heat,' says Johnny. 'So I had to take her to the bull'. ' I'm sure your father could have done that' says the teacher. 'Oh no, ma'am,' says Johnny. 'It has to be the bull.'

Placi