Garden Wildlife UK

That joke contains the seeds of a far-ranging philosophical discussion. It deserves its own Topic !!

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs, over, shakes his hand and says, 'Congratulations!' 'Congratulations for what?' asks the lawyer. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.' 'But that's not true,' says the lawyer. 'I only lived to be forty.' 'That's impossible,' replies Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?
A very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a cat at home!!!!!!!

Best one yet

An aeroplane is about to crash. A female passenger jumps up and shouts. 'If I'm going to die. I want to die feeling like a woman.' She strips off he rclothes and says, ' Is there someone on this plane who's man enough to make me feel like as woman? 'A male passenger shouts, 'Yes, me.' He stands up, tears off his shirt, and says, 'Here, iron this!'

Returning Flight URK123 from the tropical Urkney Isles was coming in to land at Heathrurk Airpurk. The captain had made the usual cheery yet informative announcement to the captives - I mean, "pasengers" - and in the excitement of the landing drill had forgotten to flick off the mike.
His voice flooded the 'plane: "Jim, when I land I'm gonna have me a long, cold pint and then make mad, passionate luuurve to our new stewardess !!"
Said new stewardess at the rear of the aircraft rushes up the main gangway to tell the cap'n to switch off before he makes any more embarrassing remarks. Unfortunately she trips over the outstretched foot of an elderly lady passenger and goes sprawling. The elderly lady retrieves the errant foot and regards the felled stewardess with kindly concern - "There there dearie, no need to rush, I distinctly heard him say he was going to have a pint first."

A Polish woman with poor eyesight decides to have her eyes tested. The optician shows her a wall chart with the letters C K O P V W X S C Z Y , and ask her if she can reqd it. 'Sure I can read it,' the woman replies. 'But how did you know my maiden name?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him..
'I don't know,' he said.
'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Always guard your rear while you're in hospital. Remember.you're in enema country.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got

Two old ladies are in church. The new young preacher gets a bit carried away and keeps talking...and talking...and talking. Finally one old lady leans over and says to her friend, "Gosh I hope he finishes soon, my backside's gone to sleep."

Her friend replies, "Yes, I know--I heard it snore once or twice."